mustardmumma

 i cant sleep. i made myself drink a glass of milk. i started thinking about my nails. and now obvously how i feel is not helpful. but im still not counting it as something ate cuz it was milk and it was a must have....... for the nails!!! so other then that nothing but water today and i will be strong if i dont im going to have to punish myself cuz i keep messin up and its killing me. i will sleep with no blankets thats a good one... since my room has no heat in it. if i eat one more thing today i will sleep with no blankets on what will be a really cold nite..... if i sleep? im not sleeping now...omg ? idk.

otherwize.im goodalmost 6am. everyone should be getting up soon. and hopefully my brother goes to school today so that i can do my excersises ew i will not do them if anyone is in the house. and after my excersises and i shower and all that jazz i will walk to my beautiful bfs house and slowly say to him that im off the rag ahahahaaa.... yea im good.
he now weighs 227lbs. and hes got a stomic like hes preggo ahaha. i love him <3. and i like his chunk. i love to pet his belly... boy am i missing him right now :( 
but after im done everything i will go over to him :) orrrwill i ask him to come and get me?? hmm..??
ughh... i think ill do a mask today too. i think im in need of one. i wish i could go to the mall. but im in debtgod damn credit cards.... 
i think tomaow ill do 100 sit ups and when im done that and move on to something else i might go back and do 100 more. i feel just that motivated and threw out the day if i know i just did all that i wont want to go and undo it by eating something.. nuh uh.
sooo.. i still feel that milk omg mistake?? noooo for the nails riht. i dont want them to suffer for me :(
coupla more minutes closer to 6 yesss almost there they leave here at 8 so almost ahahaa..pfft
and tomarow i have to phone the school.... and curves. joinidge .. ha more debt? hmmm but worth it? yes!! so god damn worth it to have a place to go everyday and work it out. omy im happy.. always am when im writeing things like this.. hmmm... but it will be good..
OHMYGAWD... i think the milk is like curtleing in my stomic.. so gross ugh uhm i regret that. i was trying to be helpful tho...
that never works..
my butt is numb from sitting here and reading everybodys posts and thinking about each one to myself. and when i sat here and wrote my tons of posts ahahhaaa.. but their to myself and not to get anyone to reply to.. thats only if i think it will be helpful.. witch maybe i should post more to ppl... but im usually scared to might be thougt of as a idite for the things i say.. oh well.

so i hurd in one week of fasting you can lose up to 17 pounds.. depending. 
so if i fast this week i could be at around 12o i dont think i will lose 17 ahaha maybe 10ish... but thats still soo good. 120 is my first goal weight. yesh happy happy...
oh i was watching thinspo on youtube.. and i was scrolling down cuz i was so happy after watching one of em i was like omg i will look like that... and then it was all horrible messages down there and i read them all... ugh everyone has their problems and alot of ppl do have eating disorders but we are good at hiding it so they probably dont know that someone close to them has it.... witch is sad. i wish i could be happy how i am. i cant stand to be like this i think about it all day when im walking i try and drown it out with my mp3 player... but that usually doesnt work lol... 
my heart feels funny right now.. i hope i dont die ... caugh caugh.. ha
no i rly dont want to i wanna see myself skinny... i remember laying on my back and feeling my hip bones and ribs it was a rush i want that back. right now... geerrr..
and the way everyone was like hay michelle your lookin good. *gushes* yes i was looking good. if only they could see my fat self now... 
but this is long and full of nothingness so ill go read somemore..

p.s. made it 10 past 6 yesh!!!!! ahaha

this is the second day in a row that i have failed at trying to fast... im a fool.
so i dont think fasting will work.... right n ow anyways... so ill do some very lil eating but i will try again to marow to fasthopefully it goes better... new plan is to stay away from home... i dont know what to do with myself anymore. 

im pathetic :(

 ok since yesterday failed i beleave i should be allowed to eat today so im not.... havent ate since uhmm im guessing like 9ish last nite and its like almost 1 now
so around 17 hours. thats pretty good :D im happy with myself
as long as i can keep going till the end of the day.
and yet again to day i will weigh myself too... just to see...

ok didnt do so good i did end up eating i had a whole can of soup and a whole sleeve of crackers with it.
i dont know how many cals are in that but im guessing alot since i used milk to cook it. 
but i did have a brisk walk and sweated so i might go for another one......... try to even it out.
 scaled today up .6   grahhhhhhhh sickning
i need to explode

I've already failed at today!! i can't beleave myself.. grahh. i have been sitting here all nite at the computer reading everything one the journals thinking wow how come they all can do way better then me? and right now im like i can really do it to.       so since i ate the cake already today.. the plan from now on is nothing else but water... once everyone in the house leaves for work and school i will do sit ups and stuff and ill go for a nice long walk a brisk walk. will be fun. but no food :D im positive i can do this today. 
and even thought i know it hasnt been that long since ive weighed myself but im going to do it again at the end of the day and write it in here.
:D:D:D:D
and then hopefully tonite i will sleep and sleep for half of the day tomarow and will decide from there where to go.... 

can't sleep anymore. i stay awake all night after i get sick of laying down for hours i grab my laptop...
witch isnt good... ive been trying to be good. starving myself isnt the answer...... Mhmm?
ive been eating everyday for my bf. he doesnt understand that it really is hard to do.
that i mentally kill myself everytime. But been doin it for a long time so im good at hiding it.

i weighed myself for the first time in a looong ass time yesterday and OMG i died.
130lbs.
i do have my period and i always get some major bloating. but thats still alot..... so much work i have to do now. why did they have to do this to me it didnt help to take the scale away it didnt. i gained weight but NOT for long. it will be gone... sooo soon. 
so right now daily i think i eat around 1000 cals a day. depending on the day and all. i should be counting. but i randumly guess after everyday.... like today i ate a very small chunk of meatloaf, pickles, olives, and some fried mushrooms. and then period pains came RUSHING. and i ate a small cake :( and some strawberrys with whiped cream. and now im munching on carrots.. god thats  gross...
but the day before that all i ate was a large bowl of rice.....
i need to find out how many cals you burn during sex..... since thats the only excersising ive been getting lately. besides walking everywhere...
but when i get my new job im going to be joining a gym.... and doing activities with my mother... her plan to teach me to stay healthy the 'right' way ahahahaaa... but it will help to do some yoga classes or what not with her.
just need some $$$ and id be all set ahaaa



and warning to self... just because theres a mcdonalds just up the road now... doesnt mean its there for you when your feeling blue. it will just make it harder for you to be happy.








side note:: i love my bf and know he loves me. but why hasnt he called me tonite. i didnt mean to be so grouchy. and i dont want to blame it on my rag either but i just get so weird when im on it. i hate mysself for what i do to myself and the ones i love.

lovin this weather!!! love taking walks in it. always a good work out.
just go for a nice long walk out there in the huge ass snow banks bring my mp3 player to listen to and im set...:)
today is good